


storm in my blood

by snuffleslove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Racial slurs, islamaphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 16:09:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snuffleslove/pseuds/snuffleslove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Zayn's managed to peel himself away from the window and he curls up, hides his face between his knees. Harry tries to offer him some kind of comfort but Zayn shrugs him off. He's closed his eyes but his body remains rigid and Liam's <i>lost</i>, has no idea what to do. He stares back at the girls. From this distance he can barely make out the phrases, but the neatly printed blocked letters that form the words <i>Miss your uncle Bin Laden? We dont!</i> and <i>No burkas for Perrie!</i> burn bright in his mind anyway, and he needs no reminder. </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	storm in my blood

**Author's Note:**

> this was written for the 2012 olymfic and is about an issue in this fandom that drives me insane. i was going to make the summary, just another ziam canon fic, but i thought cass might kill me.

"Oi, be careful with that, for chrissake, Niall," Liam chides harshly, trying to balance the orange juice pitcher and the cup of coffee on his knee as he reaches into his back pocket for Zayn's room key. Niall doesn't bite back though, just focuses on his own precarious situation - a tray packed with breakfast food from the hotel bar downstairs. Liam feels guilty instantly in Niall's silence and he searches his mate's face for any sign of hurt, but Niall just smiles back reassuringly. _don't worry, li, we're all on edge._

"Here," Harry murmurs, reaching into Liam's back pocket for him, and swiping the card over the lock. There's a tremble in Harry's hand and Liam wonders whether it's out of anger or anxiety. Anyway, those two emotions seem to blur often enough for Harry. 

"Thanks Haz," Liam answers, trying to convey his gratefulness. They creep into Zayn's room, where the blinds make it seem like it's seven in the evening rather than nine in the morning. Liam's thankful, means Zayn's still sleeping soundly, and that his phone remains unchecked under his pillow. Niall places the breakfast tray down on the desk and Harry takes the juice and coffee from Liam and arranges them on the table. Liam uses the opportunity to wipe his sweaty hands on his jeans nervously. 

Suddenly Harry's phone beeps loudly. Zayn stirs but doesn't wake and Liam hisses and ushers them out of the room quickly. They convene in the hallway and Harry pulls his phone out, scrolls through the message. 

"Louis just checked twitter. He's furious, too. Wants to know if there's anything he can do." 

Liam shrugs. 

"I dunno. Distracting him with food and deleting his alerts is one thing, but we can't hide this shit from him forever." 

Niall slips a warm hand into the small of Liam's back, and Liam rests gently in the comfort.

"He's strong, Li," Niall whispers, "And he's used to it by now -" 

"He shouldn't have to be," Harry argues furiously and Niall reaches out to grip Harry's elbow in response. 

"I'm not saying it's right," Niall assures him. "I'm saying, don't underestimate him." Liam wrings his hands frustratedly. 

"I just want to fix it. I want to -" 

"Yes, Daddy Direction," Niall interjects, laughing despite himself, and Harry groans. 

"And that makes Liam's feelings for Zayn entirely too kinky for me." 

Liam turns to glare at him. 

"Hey, hey," Harry holds his hands up in defense. "What ever gets your blood racing, babe." 

Niall actually _guffaws_ and Liam wants to disappear into the tacky colored rug beneath their feet. 

"Shut _up_ ," he begs miserably. This is the worst part about being single again. As soon as the appropriate grieving period has passed, the boys are back to teasing him about Zayn. 

"Sorry sorry," Harry apologizes quickly, not looking the least bit contrite. 

"You gonna be alright for this?" Niall asks then, softly, mood shifting as they think back to what they had woken up to this morning, what had brought on all of this in the first place. Liam nods. 

"Yeah, thanks." 

Niall nods back, and Harry squeezes Liam's shoulder roughly and then slings his arm around Niall's shoulders to lead him away. Liam takes a deep breath and slips inside Zayn's hotel room once more. Zayn's sleeping on his back with the covers pulled up to his chin and one arm thrown over his head, and there's an innocence to his expression that has a small smile tugging at Liam's lips. He shakes his head ruefully. God if Niall and Haz were here right now they'd never let him live it down. 

But they're not here right? So. 

He hesitates for about half a second before he's toeing off his sneakers and climbing into bed and under the covers, settling his head lightly against Zayn's chest. Zayn moves slightly underneath him, the hand above his head coming down to wrap itself around Liam instinctively. Liam sighs and Zayn turns further into him, seeking the warmth from Liam's body. There's a hush as they settle into each other, feet intertwining, and Liam closes his eyes, feels his body relax against Zayn's almost against his will. In a fit of greediness, Liam wraps an arm around Zayn's narrow hips, slips his hand underneath his light tee to feel the heat of his skin. 

Zayn stirs again and Liam realizes belatedly that his hand is freezing cold. He tries to withdraw it, but Zayn intertwines his slighter fingers with Liam's across his hip. _Maybe he thinks i'm perrie?_ Liam wonders, and it could almost be called curiosity if his heart wasn't beating so damn fast. They're not actually together like the world thinks they are, but Liam isn't so naive to believe they haven't slept together. 

And then Zayn is squeezing Liam's hand softly, kissing the top of Liam's head. 

"Morning, Li," he murmurs, voice made rough by sleep. Liam swallows loudly, turns his head up. Zayn's eyes are still closed and he's smiling peacefully as he pulls Liam closer. Liam's face splits into a grin that crinkles up his entire face and for a moment he contents himself with forgetting this morning's nightmare and burying himself deeper into Zayn's grasp. _The calm before the storm_ , Liam thinks, and somehow he manages to slow his racing heart, allow himself and Zayn a time out of the whirlwind of reality. 

And then Zayn groans slightly, pulls his hand away from Liam's to rub the sleep from his eyes and they're back to running. 

"Hey," Liam says, trying to smile up at him. 

"Hi," Zayn does smile, eyes slanting with affection. "What a way to wake up," he teases and Liam flushes, hates himself for it. 

"Sorry," Liam responds, voice cracking. "I was supposed to wake you but you looked so comfortable and I -" 

Zayn laughs and it's low and gravelly this early in the morning and Liam has never heard a more wonderful noise. 

"S'okay, it's - I'm glad you're here, Li," Zayn says, voice gentle and sincere. 

"Brought you breakfast," Liam tells him because he doesn't know how else to respond. Zayn shifts to sit up so Liam pulls away quickly and puts some distance between them. Zayn glances from the table of food to Liam's face three times before he laughs heartily, nuzzles into Liam's shoulder. 

"What's the occasion?" he asks, voice mildly suspicious. Liam shrugs.

"Can't a mate bring his - mate uh. Breakfast in bed?" Liam stutters over the question, cursing himself silently. Zayn chuckles, places a sloppy kiss to Liam's ear that has Liam blushing again. 

"Thanks Lee-yum," he sings. "Lemme brush my teeth ok?" He moves slowly out of bed, lethargic without the morning sun, and his hair falls lightly on his forehead. He looks beautiful and Liam is so caught up in him he almost misses the reason he's here. When Zayn disappears into the bathroom though, he shakes himself back to reality and digs under Zayn's pillow for his phone. Across the front of the iphone flash the many twitter alerts he's received from the night before and Liam unlocks the phone quickly and deletes them all in one go. He tries his best not to go through the heartbreak of reading them again but words like _terrorist_ and _pakkie_ and _jihad_ jump out at him and nausea settles high in his throat. 

He shoves the phone back under Zayn's pillow when he hears the bathroom door click open and he fights to put a smile on his face when Zayn emerges, awake and fresh, quiff back in place. 

"Something wrong?" Zayn asks and fuck, maybe this should be Harry here because Liam's an awful liar and everyone knows it. 

"Your - breakfast is probably cold," Liam frowns and Zayn shakes his head. 

"You're spoiling me, babes," he says carelessly, pouring himself some orange juice and bringing the entire tray back to bed. "Have you eaten?" Liam nods. 

"Yeah," his voice cracks again and he clears his throat. "Um. Niall, Haz and I ate already. Lou just woke up like a half hour ago too." 

"So what's on the schedule today, Daddy Direction?" Zayn asks around a mouthful of eggs and Liam is so good he doesn't even flinch at the casual use of the nickname. 

"We've got two interviews in like," he pulls out his phone to check the time, "forty-five minutes," Liam informs him dutifully.

"Fuck, I'm an idiot," he groans, scarfs down the last piece of toast, swallows the last of his orange juice and scrambles out of bed, tugging off his tee as he goes. Liam averts his eyes. He's got this under control, he swears.

"I should go," he says quickly.

"No, stay, help me figure out what to wear. I really hate having to worry about this. Can't we just hire stylists?" Liam laughs despite himself. 

"You look amazing in whatever you wear, Zayn," he says before he can stop himself and - then he cringes in after thought. Zayn blushes. 

"Fuck off, Li," he mumbles, turning to rummage through his suitcase. He pulls out a pair of black skinnies and a red sweater that's too big for him. Liam's eyes widen.

"But that's mine," he protests incredulously. And, like, really? That's entirely unfair. 

"S'mine now," Zayn says cheekily. "I've had it for ages." He slips it on over his head and adjusts his chains over it. It hangs off his shoulders a bit and covers most of his hands and maybe there are butterflies in Liam's stomach. Maybe. "Still smells like you though." Oh for _chrissake_. 

"Looks better on you," Liam mumbles, because, ok, it does. Zayn chuckles.

"Impossible," Zayn assures him and Liam wills himself not to blush. Zayn pulls on his trousers and slips into the bathroom for some last minute touches to his hair and then he's out and smiling. "Well?" Liam uses the excuse to run his eyes down Zayn's slim form appreciatively. 

"Yeah," he hums, "Yeah, you'll do just fine." Zayn throws his head back in a surprised laugh and Liam smiles proudly to himself for the feat. 

"C'mon," he gets out of bed and tugs on Zayn's wrist. "Let's have you be on time for once." 

Zayn makes an offended noise but he removes his arm from Liam's grasp to throw it around his waist as he pulls the door shut behind them and Liam's managed to make him completely forget to grab his phone and maybe this day won't be so bad after all. 

He should have realized though. S'just the calm before the storm. 

\--

Zayn sticks close to Liam in a kind of sleepy affection, and Liam ignores the knowing looks the other boys are throwing except to nod his head briefly. _Mission accomplished._

Zayn doesn't appear to notice anything unusual, and Liam can't help but feel pleased when Zayn chooses to tuck himself into Liam, slip his hands in the space of Liam's jacket and ignore even the antics Louis's getting up to while they wait for the van. 

When the van pulls up though, Paul pulls Liam aside to discuss some logistics with him, and Harry ends up slipping in next to Zayn in the back. When finally Liam takes his seat next to Louis he turns to see Zayn's pouting at him, and Liam gives him a rueful shrug, warmth flooding his chest.

Zayn shakes his head and chuckles, then pulls Harry to him. Harry gives a content hum and settles against Zayn's chest, long limbs and fluffed hair folding against the other boy, and Liam turns to the front, right into Louis's perceptive gaze. Liam shrugs again at his mate, shifts in his seat to get comfortable for the ride.

\--

They hear the screams about ten minutes before they arrive and Liam turns to the window to smile and wave at fans. They've gathered there since the the night before and they've come decked out in blazers and _i love 1D_ sweat shirts and they hold posters high above their heads and they _scream_. Louis leans over to tuck his chin over Liam's shoulder and together they keep their grimaces to themselves and grin out, make funny faces and read the posters their loyal fans have created. 

And then Liam feels Louis draw a sharp intake of breath and he follows his gaze to a smaller, more isolated section of the crowd. His heart sinks. He looks back towards Zayn but it's too late, the color has drained from Zayn's face and his hands are clenched in fists and he just _stares_ in a sort of sick fascination. 

He turns back to Paul but Louis is already there. 

"Get them out of here," Louis hisses at Paul and Paul, who is wide eyed with shock shakes himself visibly and barks an order to the driver. Immediately the driver pulls out his walkie talkie, begins talking fast and strained.

Zayn's managed to peel himself away from the window and he curls up, hides his face between his knees. Harry tries to offer him some kind of comfort but Zayn shrugs him off. He's closed his eyes but his body remains rigid and Liam's _lost_ , has no idea what to do. He stares back at the girls. From this distance he can barely make out the phrases, but the neatly printed blocked letters that form the words _Miss your uncle Bin Laden? We dont!_ and _No burkas for Perrie!_ burn bright in his mind anyway, and he needs no reminder. 

"Liam," Harry pleads, and he's begging for help with his eyes. Liam shakes his head helplessly but Harry's insisting so they trade places clumsily. He swallows and then wraps an arm around Zayn roughly. 

"Don't touch me," Zayn lashes out, shoving at him but Liam hangs on, draws him closer, ignores Zayn's protests. 

"Shh, it's ok Zayn. We're here, we love you. Deep breaths, c'mon Zayner," Liam whispers into his hair over and over again, rubbing his hands over any part of Zayn's body that he can reach and Zayn quiets slowly but surely, his breathing slowing until he becomes unresisting in Liam's arms. 

When Liam finally looks up the van has slowed to a halt and everyone's looking at them, worry written in the furrows of their brow. 

Liam locks eyes with Louis, pleads with him silently to _say something, fix this_ , but Louis' gaze is shuttered and he holds onto Harry and remains quiet. 

It's Zayn who speaks first. 

"Let go Li," he says softly, "Gotta text mum, tell her not to let the girls on the internet and stuff." 

Liam's eyes widen. 

"You um, you left your phone in the hotel room though," he says and Zayn mutters a curse under his breath. 

"Hey, s'okay, I'll do it. 've got Tricia's number anyway," Harry says, pulling out from Louis's hold to grab his phone. 

"Can I see yours?" Zayn asks Liam, holding his hand out. Liam hesitates, glances up at Niall. 

"I - uh. Why?" 

"Wanna check twitter, c'mon," he nudges Liam gently. The four boys exchange another helpless glance under Zayn's watchful gaze.

"Zayn -" Niall begins, "Maybe that's not such a good idea right now -" 

"What is going on?" Zayn interrupts him suspiciously, hard eyes searching each of them in turn.

"It's just," Louis finally speaks up, "There was a load of rubbish on there this morning and we didn't want -" Zayn's eyes widen. He turns to Liam and his gaze is accusatory. Liam flinches underneath it. 

" _That's_ what this morning was about then?" hurt and disbelief adding a tremble to his voice, "you brought me breakfast and fucking _got into bed with me_ to distract me from _twitter_?" Liam can only nod, feeling cold suddenly when Zayn recoils from him just as Harry makes a small noise. 

"He did what, exactly?" Harry asks, eyebrows creased. Zayn ignores him. 

"I don't need your fucking pity, Li. You can just fuck right off." 

" _Zayn_ ," Niall chides, "C'mon, Zayn, it's not like that. Liam -" 

"You were in on it too? What the _fuck_ is going on? When have I ever given you the impression that I needed protection from _any_ of you?"

"Oh I dunno, Zayn," Louis snaps, "Maybe when you turned coward and went AWOL for a day?" Zayn actually lunges forward at him. 

" _Louis_ ," Harry shouts, just as Niall grabs Zayn's shoulders and pushes him back into his chair. "Out of _line_ , Louis!"

"No, all of you just. _Fuck off_ ," Zayn growls, shaking himself from Niall's grasp, "You have no fucking idea what it's like, just -" 

"Yeah?" Louis snarls. "No idea what it's like to read horrible things about yourself and the people you love on twitter? _Really Zayn?_ " Zayn rolls his eyes.

"Yeah well maybe if you hadn't been a complete _idiot_ about it and fucking _encouraged it_ from the beginning maybe you wouldn't be having such a problem -" 

"You've got to be fucking _kidding me_ ," Louis growls, eyes flashing. 

"Shut up, both of you," Harry interjects firmly, his voice low and slow as he places strong hands on both their chests. "Zee's right, Lou," he blushes now, avoids Louis's eyes, "It's shitty, what some people are saying. But you can't really tell me the love bites helped our case any." 

Louis deflates a little at Harry's expression.

"Hey," he says, voice always soft for Harry. He ruffles Harry's hair until Harry looks up to offer him a weak smile. There's a moment shared between them and then Harry takes a deep breath and Liam watches him pull himself out of Louis' orbit and back into focus.

"And Zayn, you're just mad because you wanted this morning to mean something more -" 

" _Christ, Haz_ , shut up," Zayn chokes out.

Liam looks up at Harry in shock and he must be taking the piss but Harry just nods towards Zayn, who has crossed his arms and stares out the window, a dull blush creeping up the back of his neck. 

"Now," Harry continues carefully, "the two of you are going to sit on this bus and sort this while we take care of the interview. Alright?" 

Paul clears his throat from the front seat and Harry at least has the decency to look apologetic. 

"Sorry Paul. Would it be alright if they skipped? Zayn looks like shit anyway." Paul gives a resigned sigh and Liam turns away from the disappointment there. 

"Yeah, yeah, I guess we have no other choice then. I'll tell the interviewer Liam's come down with something and that Zayn decided to stay back with him. And Liam, I'll leave two security guards with you, alright?" 

Liam gives a slight nod, but he's watching Zayn, who's looking anywhere but at him. 

Niall rests a hand on his shoulder. _trust us, li_. And then they file out quietly, leaving an uncomfortable crowded air to fester between Liam and Zayn. 

"Zayn -" Liam tries after a moment, "I -"

"Give me your phone," Zayn interrupts, and this time he's not taking no for an answer but Liam hesitates anyway. "Hand it over, Li." Liam reluctantly gives in, and watches miserably as Zayn scrolls through his mentions, reads through the slurs and racist nicknames and the attacks against his religion. There's no change to his expression, but his knuckles grow white where he grips the phone, and there's a tremor in his bottom lip that Liam barely catches. 

Finally he looks up, hands the phone over. 

"Zayn, don't pay them any mind, it's complete bollocks and -" 

"You know what Harry said, yeah? About -" Zayn breaks off and Liam nods slowly, taken aback by the change in subject. "Well he was lying. Don't know where he got the idea from but it's just - it's rubbish, okay?" Liam's heart sinks but he manages to nod again. 

"Yeah," he agrees, voice shaky. Zayn closes his eyes for a brief moment to hide the pained expression on his face, and then he stands up as much as he can in the van. 

"M'gonna go, see if I can catch the last of the interview." 

He doesn't look back. 

\--

Luckily, they're due to fly back to London the next day. Zayn keeps to himself mostly, turns his ipod on loud and hides behind his headphones - and the other boys let him. Even Liam prefers solitude today. He sits with Lux, talks to her in a quiet soothing voice and ignores the occasional worried glances that get sent his way. 

Paul jokes that this is probably the quietest they've ever been on a journey and Niall glares at him when it falls flat. 

\--

There's an awkward moment when they reach the cars that have been called for them and it's a kind of awkward that they haven't felt together since x-factor days, or maybe ever. They've set their bags down so they've got nothing to do with their hands, and there are no screaming girls to cut through the silence. Liam fidgets restlessly with the worn edges of his sweatshirt, avoids direct eye contact. 

It's Niall who breaks the ice. 

"M'not ready to let you guys go," he confesses warmly, "Come to mine, yeah? We'll grab beers and nandos and watch some crap telly." 

Louis looks to Harry who grins and nods. 

"Yeah, I'm in," and so Louis smiles and ruffles Niall's hair. 

"Sounds perfect, Nialler," he agrees, "Li?" 

"C'mon, Lee-yum," Niall encourages, "We need this." 

"Yeah, alright," Liam nods slowly. They all turn to Zayn. 

"Zayner," Niall implores, but Zayn just shakes his head, keeps his eyes glued to the ground.

"I'm sorry. I think I'm just gonna head home." 

Harry opens his mouth to protest but Paul interrupts them. 

"Let's get this show on the road, boys." 

"We just need two cars Paul," Zayn informs him, and Paul furrows his brow but turns to dismiss the other drivers without question. Louis reaches for Zayn's bag, slings it over his shoulder.

"C'mon," he says quietly, "I'll walk you." Zayn studies him for a moment and then nods his head sharply. 

\--

They settle in Niall's living room, Louis on the couch with his head in Harry's lap, and Liam and Niall on the floor sharing some chips. Turns out no one is in the mood for telly. 

"Where's your laptop, Ni?" Harry asks suddenly. 

"Don't," Louis begs, but Harry just shoves at his shoulder until he's sitting up, grabs the laptop from the desk behind him and flips it open determinedly. By now, Liam's caught on but Niall's still grinning innocently. 

"If you guys are trying to find my porn stash, you're not gonna find it," he quips. 

"Not looking for porn," Harry says distractedly, eyes narrowed in concentration, and suddenly the smile slides right of Niall's face. 

"This is stupid," Niall protests, 'We tell _him_ not to look and then we go hunting ourselves?" 

"You _know_ he's doing this exact thing at home alone right now," Harry points out darkly. "I want to know what we're up against."

Niall looks to Liam who shrugs. 

"I agree," he says simply, moves to settle on the other side of Harry. Harry's already pulling up articles and Liam pales. Just the headline are cruel: _Orthodox Jews Prevent Their Children from Buying One Direction Albums due to Pro-Arab Propagation_ , and _Is One Direction trying to shove Islam down our throats?_ and one particularily jarring, _Rumor has it teen sensation, Zayn Malik, wants to force Perrie into head scarves._

Niall's watching the horror grow on their faces and finally he relents with a muttered curse, coming up to stand behind Liam and grip his shoulders tightly. 

"Oh for fucks' sake," he rages, after he scans the pages Harry's found. 

"I don't even want to look through his mentions," Harry mutters, slamming the laptop shut. 

"Yeah, you don't," someone mumbles from behind them. They turn quickly and all together. 

"Zayn," Harry exclaims and he gets up to cross the room to him. Zayn's eyes are red like he's been crying and there's a tension in the lines of his body that makes him appear so _old_. "Hey," Harry consoles gently. "S'alright. None of that shit matters. Not to us, not to anyone important." Zayn nods but it's hesitant and disbelieving and Liam wants to throw a fist at the wall in frustration. 

"Come here," Louis murmurs from the couch. Zayn trudges over and settles himself in Louis' outstretched arms. The breakdown is slow, and they all watch in silence as his walls crumble, one layer at a time, until he's sobbing into Louis's neck, hands fisted in Louis's sweater. Liam gets up, his ache to touch him too strong to contend with when he's so close. He moves into the kitchen, away from Louis's soothing apologies, with a muttered excuse of fixing up some tea, but mostly just to catch his breath. 

Harry joins him not a minute later. 

"He needs you," Harry says, and that's Harry, slow to speak, quick to the point. 

"He needs _us_ ," Liam corrects him, busying his hands with the kettle. "Not me."

"Liam -" 

"Harry," he contends, "Don't. This is complicated enough already with mixing in my - well. And anyway, he set me straight yesterday. You were wrong." 

"He was _lying_ ," Harry insists, "C'mon Li, you can't possible believe that -" 

"Why not?" Liam snaps, "He's never given me any sort of indication or. He treats me just the same as you."

"He's always -" But Liam's saved by the doorbell. Harry's brow furrows. "Who could possibly turn up _now_ who doesn't have a key?" 

Liam shrugs, goes to grab the door. 

"Perrie?" he asks, bewildered. "Do you and Zayn have a PR thing tonight? Wait how'd you know we were here?" 

"I called Paul," she snaps, and her eyes flash and she's _angry. Jesus_ , well, ok then. "Where is he? I need to see him." Liam stares at her.

"He's here but - Perrie, now's not a good time -" 

"I don't give a fuck," she storms past Liam before he can protest further and Liam has no choice but to follow her. 

" _Zayn Malik_ , how dare you," she accuses sharply, her voice rising. 

"Perrie, what are you doing here?" Zayn asks, but it's half hearted, like he already knows the answer, and _what is going on?_ Zayn pulls out of Louis's grasp to move to her, take her hand, but she pulls away, glares up at him. 

"How could I not come? How could you?" 

"Er - I hate to interrupt all the romancing," Louis clears his throat, standing, "But what the bloody hell is going on here?" 

"Zayn called my _management_ to break up with me!" 

Louis's eyes narrow. 

"Why would he -"

"Apparently he's no good for me anymore. Apparently he's hurting my fucking image," Perrie turns back to Zayn with a vengeance and Liam closes his eyes. He should have known. 

"C'mon, Per, be reasonable," Zayn mumbles. "The whole point of us was the publicity. What's the point if I'm hurting you? You must know what they're saying about you. I don't - I don't want the people I care about to be hurt by this, by me." And now he's looking at Liam, gaze pointed and heavy and Liam sucks in a breath.

Perrie clutches at his forearms and presses her body to his and he leans forward, tucks his face in her hair for a moment. Liam looks away. 

"Zayn, you're unbelievable," she scolds, but it's soft and sweet, "If you think I'm walking away from you because of this, you're dead wrong. I don't give a rat's ass about any of it and you're one of the best men I've ever known and there's no way in hell those little shites are going to get away with this, alright?" 

"Perrie -" Zayn protests, but she's already shaking her head, mouth set in a stubborn line. "But management -"

"Fuck management," she growls. 

"She's right, Zayn," Harry cuts in, "Everyone deserves a choice and she's made hers. She's sticking by you, just like I am."

Zayn studies him and Liam watches as his eyes fill with tears just as Harry comes to lay a warm hand on Liam's hip. "Just like we all are."

There are nods all around the room, and Zayn swipes at his eyes impatiently, tense muscles relaxing slightly. Perrie cups his face between her small hands and pulls him down to press a gentle kiss to his forehead. 

"You're desperately thick, Zee, but I love you. We all do. And nothing anybody says is going to change that, yeah?" Zayn nods, quirks a small reluctant smile. 

"Yeah," he breathes.

"Well, OK then," she pats his cheek lightly. "My job here is done. I'll see you around for our next date then?" Zayn nods. "I'll have my people call your people," she winks, and Zayn rolls his eyes at the tired joke but he laughs all the same.

On her way out she stops in front of Liam to lay a hand on his chest gently. Liam feels Harry's hand tense around his hip before he pulls away slightly. Without the usual four inch heels she seems smaller, more fragile somehow, but when she searches his gaze it's with the fortitude of a feline. 

"Take care of him, Li, ok?" and it's loud enough that the entire room can hear. Out of the corner of his eye Liam sees Zayn open mouth, presumably to argue, but Perrie shuts him up with a wave.

"No more out of you Malik. There's no shame in being taken care of every once in awhile." 

Zayn shuts his mouth with a snap and Harry chortles. 

"You're a goddess, Pez," he declares, kissing her cheek and leading her out. 

The kettle whistles and Liam leaves the room without a word to attend to it. He braces himself on the countertop for a moment, tries to get a bearing on what's going on here, what exactly everyone expects of him and why. 

When Harry rejoins him in the kitchen he can't help blurting out the only question his brain can adequately put together right now.

"How does Perrie know?" he asks Harry desperately. Harry considers him. 

"How does Perrie know that Zayn needs you? Is that supposed to be some sort of secret?" 

"But -" Liam falters. "She seems to know that I -" 

"Love him? Is _that_ supposed to be a secret?" Harry crosses his arms dangerously.

"Harry! You know what I mean." 

"No, Li" Harry informs him, "I don't." 

"Everyone seems to know I have feelings for him," the words come out in a rush, feeling awkward and heavy in his mouth. 

"And you do, yeah?" Harry prompts. 

"Well I -" he trails off, looks away.

"Alright then. And do you think, as someone who loves Zayn very much, that you're dong him a _favor_ by not being there for him when he needs you most?" 

"I -" 

"You've barely said two words to him since yesterday." 

"Yes but - he doesn't -" 

"Want you around? Liam are you even listening to yourself?" 

Liam hangs his head, shamefaced. Harry moves into his space, rests his hands on Liam's waist and steeples their foreheads together. 

"It's hard. All of it. The feelings, and the _want_ and just," he falls silent and for a moment he's seeing right through Liam and Liam can feel _heartbreak_ where their bodies touch, "I get it, Li," he whispers, coming back to himself. "But we're a family. And it might be painful, but it's worth it," he clutches at the loose fabric of Liam's shirt, "Right?" 

And from this close Liam can see the uncertainty in Harry's eyes. He tangles his hand in the hair that curls at the nape of Harry's neck. 

"Yeah, Haz. It is." Harry closes his eyes and nods, the reassurance setting his features back two years. "Harry -" Liam says quietly, unsure. They don't talk about this, and Liam isn't sure he can be the one to break this rule. 

Harry shakes his head, steps back and smiles a small smile. 

"Lou and Niall are setting up FIFA. Looks like we'll be sleeping here tonight, the way they're going on about it. Here, I'll help with the tea." He reaches for where he knows the mugs are at Niall's and Liam breathes a sigh and opens the fridge for the milk without a word. 

\--

It's a few hours later and Zayn's passed out in the circle of Niall's arm and Harry's spread out with his head in Louis' lap and Liam watches as Niall and Louis battle it out in what is probably the quietest game of FIFA Liam has ever witnessed. 

Night has set in and Liam feels drained, his head nods against Niall's other shoulder every so often before he starts awake from the fall of it. He clocked out of the game about an hour ago and now he just lets his thoughts run through him, thinks about the way Zayn crumbled, and the way they built him back up again, and mostly about the way he felt in Zayn's arms that morning that seems centuries ago, safe and _whole_ and -

Niall hisses suddenly, knocks his head against Liam's in sad defeat, and Louis lets out a silent holler, grinning broadly at Niall in mute triumph. Liam laughs as quietly as he can as Niall sets his controller down in resignation, scratches under Liam's chin with the hand not wrapped around Zayn. 

"Hazza," Louis whispers, gently sweeping a rogue curl out of Harry's eyes, "Haz, c'mon, bedtime." Harry blinks his eyes open slowly, eyelids heavy, pupils unfocused. He reaches up to fist a hand in Louis's plain white undershirt. 

"Will you stay?" Harry asks him, words slurring childishly. There is a brief flicker of pain in Louis's eyes that makes Liam's stomach clench, and then it's gone and the simple fondness is back and he smiles and helps Harry to his feet. 

"Course I will, Harry," he answers him quietly, intertwining their fingers together. "Do you mind if we grab the guest room Nialler?" he asks. Niall shakes his head. 

"Night you two," Niall whispers and Louis smiles and nods for the both of them and then leads a sleepy Harry to bed. 

Niall follows them out with his eyes and then turns to Liam, quirks an eyebrow lightly with _expectation_ and Liam is suddenly flustered, dry-mouthed. 

"Do you want to take my bed? Stay with him?" Niall prompts when Liam remains silent, but Liam _can't_ , not like this. 

"S'okay," he shakes his head. "I'll just take the couch, you take the bed." 

"Liam -" 

"It's fine, Ni. It's better this way." And there's disappointment in the way Niall shifts but he's not Harry and he's not Louis so he doesn't push. 

"Be a mate then and help me get him to bed. He's heavier than he looks and I can't feel my shoulder." 

Liam hesitates and then stands, stretching so the muscles in his back ripple and crack. He slides his arms under Zayn's neck and knees and lifts him up out of Niall's grasp, and settling him gently in the cradle of his arms, they make their way to Niall's bedroom carefully. 

"S'not fair," Niall pouts out of no where, and it's a whine but Liam finds himself echoing the sentiment as he lays an exhausted Zayn down to bed. Zayn curls into himself and Liam just _wants_ , so badly. 

"You sure?" Niall asks again. 

Liam just nods, before he can cave. Niall shrugs, tugs his shirt off and slides into bed, fitting his body around Zayn's in a way that leaves no room for anything but simple love and _it should be Liam_ , it should be. 

He leans down and kisses Zayn's forehead, and for now, it's enough.

"Night, Nialler," he whispers, and then he shuts the light and closes the door softly. 

He takes a deep breath and resigns himself to a night of little sleep and a lot of worrying. He's been left stranded by this storm and _where is solid ground?_

\--

Liam must have fallen asleep for a small while because he finds himself awakening to the slivers of light from the early rise of the sun. He thinks he must be the only one up but then he catches a rustling in the kitchen, so he sits up, rubs at the sleep in his eyes and grabs the dishes that remain in the living room. 

It's Louis that's up so early and when Liam quirks an eyebrow both in greeting and in question, Louis smiles at him meekly. 

"Called El early so I could wish her luck on her exam, and then I couldn't get back to bed," he explains, taking the dishes from Liam and putting them carefully in the sink. Liam just nods. "You?" 

"I -" his voice has been roughened by sleep and he clears his throat, tries again, "Couldn't sleep." 

"Ah," Louis smiles knowingly. Liam grabs a dish cloth, intends to help Louis dry, but Louis won't stop _watching_ him, like it _means something_. 

"What?" he snaps, the early morning making him cranky. Louis ignores him. 

"He's gonna be okay, Liam, he's got you after all," Louis grins at him cheekily, but Liam is just _not in the mood_. 

"Shut up, Lou, don't want to hear it," Liam mumbles, whipping the towel against the countertop with more force than necessary. Louis turns the faucet off to stare at him, mouth parted slightly in disbelief. The silence makes Liam itch. 

"You can be so _dense,_ Li," Louis shakes his head in disappointment and Liam digs his nails into his palms. 

"What do you know about any of it," he mutters, turning away. 

"I know that you're a fucking _coward_ ," Louis informs him pointedly and Liam's head snaps up at him, his eyes flash. "Just _tell him how you feel_ Liam, stop being so fucking _careful_ for once in your life and -" 

"No," Liam growls, and he's about a hair away from yelling now, "No. I will _not_ turn into another Harry. I can't Louis, I won't." 

Louis pales and they stare at each other for a moment. 

Then the door slams shut and they both start.

"You ass," Louis growls dangerously, and he moves to follow Harry but Liam stops him with a hand on his wrist. 

"I'm sorry, Lou," Liam pleads softly, immediately feeling like a complete tosser, "Let me fix this." 

"You better fucking make this right," Louis warns, and Liam nods, follows Harry out. 

Harry hasn't made it far, he's sitting on the steps outside Niall's apartment with his head in his hands and Liam swallows, takes a deep breath, and joins him. He knocks their knees together gently and Harry looks up at him, smile tense. 

"Realized I didn't drive here," Harry says by way of explanation. 

"Harry - I didn't mean -" 

"Yes you did," Harry interrupts, "Don't worry, I'm not mad," he shrugs, "I _am_ pathetic, don't think I don't know that," he gives a self-deprecating laugh, looks up at the morning sun. It's London cloudy this morning and the air is nippy but Liam's shiver has nothing to do with the weather. "I could have anyone. Isn't that what they say?" he laughs bitterly, irony inescapable, "It's just - I can't help my feelings, you know? And he can't help his, so." Liam wishes he knew what to say. "I'm lucky he even speaks to me I know I am." He turns back to Liam and his eyes are filled with tears but he offers Liam a pained smile. "I love him so much, Liam," he says helplessly.

Liam pulls Harry to him, kisses the top of his head and holds him tightly and waits for Harry's breathing to calm. When Harry finally pulls away his eyes are red-rimmed but determined. 

"I would _never_ want you to be in my position, Liam. I wouldn't wish this on anyone in a thousand years. But I promise you, you won't be. Zayn loves you back, Li, I swear it." 

"Harry," Liam protests weakly, "You don't have to do this for me, c'mon. We can forget about it and -" 

"I want you to be happy," Harry says firmly, "I won't have it any other way. Please talk to him?" Harry asks him earnestly, eyes wide and pleading and how can Liam refuse him? He nods. 

"I will, when he wakes. Ok?" Harry smiles and despite his tear stained cheeks he appears happy. 

"Thank you," Harry murmurs. "You both deserve this, promise." 

\--

When they come back into the kitchen Louis stands to greet them immediately, worry evident in the way he fidgets with the hem of his shirt. 

"Harry -" he says, voice laced with concern and something else. 

"M'fine, Lou," Harry says reassuringly, smiling at him. "Liam and I have sorted it, don't be angry with him alright?" Louis nods distractedly. 

"Yeah alright," he spares a glance at Liam. "Have you set the tosser straight?" 

"Yeah, I have," Harry says a bit sternly. "He's gonna have a nice chat with Zayn when he wakes." Louis nods and Liam clears his throat. 

"Still here -" he informs them rather pointlessly, because Louis ignores him to gather Harry into his arms. 

"I'm sorry, Haz," Louis whispers into his hair and Liam's not sure what he's apologizing for but Harry seems to understand because he only pulls away slightly to look up at him and nod. 

"I know," he breathes, and Liam turns away from the intimate moment, decides maybe he shouldn't wait. 

\--

When he enters Niall's bedroom Niall is already up checking his phone and when he sees Liam he grins up at him in greeting. 

"Twitter seems to be a safe space again," he informs Liam and Liam bites back a swear, didn't even think to check up on Zayn's mentions. 

"For now," he says bitterly, and Niall's face falls slightly but he nods his agreement. "Do you mind if I -" he gestures at Zayn's sleeping form and Niall's smile is back full force. 

"Of course not," he responds eagerly, getting up carefully and grabbing a hoodie from the floor to slip on. He cups Liam's shoulder roughly in silent encouragement and shuts the door carefully behind him. 

Liam almost trips over himself in his hurry to get to Zayn, feel the slight press of his body against his and the gentle rise and fall of his chest. He shucks his shirt before he can second guess the decision, climbing into bed and under the covers and sliding over to Zayn to wrap his arms around him from behind. 

Zayn shifts slightly at the added pressure and awakens slowly. Liam can feel his heart begin to race the moment he realizes it's Liam. Quickly, he turns and pulls away from Liam's grasp. 

"What are you doing here?" he asks suspiciously, drawing the blanket up over his lap to cover his morning wood. Despite the circumstances Liam feels a punch of arousal to his lower stomach and he sucks in a breath. 

"Wanted to be with you," Liam answers him honestly. 

"Liam," he pleads. "I already told you how I feel. I don't want to -" 

"Lie to me again?" he laughs humorlessly and Zayn turns away. There's a silence that stretches painfully but Liam can be stubborn when he wants to be and he waits. 

"Fine," Zayn sighs. "I want to, Liam. So badly it hurts. But I can't. Not right now. Not with all of this going on." 

Liam's eyes narrow.

"Why not?"

"I just - Think about Perrie, yeah? I was supposed to be _good_ for her image, was supposed to give her and the girls a leg up. And I wanted to help her, course I did. But now. Look what it's gotten her. Shitty publicity and dangerous threats because she's consorting with _terrorists_ , Li. I'm like a - a poison, don't you see? And you deserve better than that," His voice is harsh and self-deprecating and it makes Liam's blood run cold. 

"You don't really believe that?" Liam begs, but Zayn's getting out of bed and grabbing his trousers. 

"Maybe it's time I get home," he side-steps the question and the eye contact. 

"Zayn, please don't go, I -" Liam implores but Zayn simply shakes his head. 

"I'm sorry, Li."

\--

"He left before we could stop him, Liam," Niall tells him, when Liam finally makes his way to the others. Liam sighs. 

"Guessing it didn't go as well as we would have liked?" Harry asks him and his question is laced with confusion. 

"He thinks he like, doesn't deserve me or something," Liam falls onto the couch heavily and throws his hands up in the air in resignation. "I don't know what to do." 

Louis pulls at one of Harry's curls thoughtfully.

"I have a feeling things aren't going to go back to fine and dandy just yet," Louis muses. 

He's right, of course. Turns out this is just the eye of the storm. 

\--

Liam receives an email from Simon that's marked urgent and he does not have a good feeling about it. Simon hasn't directly emailed them since they were just starting out after X-factor and his name has always carried a sort of ominous ring to it that Liam can't manage to shake. 

He's calling them into a meeting tonight itself and that doesn't quite make Liam feel better so he calls Niall. 

"Liam? You get the email too?"

"Yeah." 

"What'd you reckon it's about?" Niall asks cautiously. Liam shrugs, before remembering Niall can't see him. 

"Dunno. You?" 

"Well, s'nothing we're going to want to hear," Niall decides and Liam knows that he's right. 

\--

Only four of them are sitting in chairs across from Simon's desk when Simon calls the meeting into order and Liam opens his mouth but it's Louis who gets the words out first. 

"Simon, where's Zayn?" Louis asks and there's an edge to his voice that has Harry gripping his knee. Louis turns to him and silent words flow between them and then Louis turns back to Simon, a tad bit more relaxed. 

"Louis," Simon begins bracingly, and Liam does _not_ like where this is going. "Zayn met with me earlier today. He asked that I did not include him in tonight's proceedings." 

"What proceedings?" Harry asks at the same time Niall asks "What the fuck?" and Simon raises an eyebrow at the obscenity but otherwise does not reprimand him. 

"We have some things we have to discuss," Simon says slowly, and Liam can tell he's choosing his words carefully. 

"Just get on with it, Simon," Liam says softly and Simon sighs. 

"Zayn's asked that his contract be terminated," he continues finally. 

"You're kidding," Louis says immediately, eyes wide. Harry's got his face buried in his hands and Niall's mouth is open but Liam sinks heavily into his chair and does not say a word.

"I'm sorry boys," Simon says gravely, "I tried to convince him otherwise, but he makes a few valid points and -" 

" _What_ valid points?" Niall demands to know. "You can't possibly think this is a good idea?" Simon shakes his head. 

"I don't," he promises, "But his contract with Syco _is_ up in December, and it makes sense for him to leave before the second album is produced and -" he hesitates. "His being in the band has caused controversy -" he holds up a hand over Louis's noise of protest, "that you might not be able to afford going into this second album." 

"It's just a few things being said on twitter! A few rotten articles on bloody _sugarscape_ ," Louis argues, "That doesn't even begin to make a dent in our success! We're still winning all the awards!" 

"If this was only about the comments, I'd have to agree," Simon admits, "But there _is_ more to it. Inflammatory t-shirts, excessive tattoos, the smoking - he no longer represents a picture of the clean cut boys we wanted when we put you five together." 

"I cannot believe this," Harry fumes, "You realize that not only are you asking us to continue without him but you're telling us to give in to his racist fourteen year old _bullies_?" 

"They're not all fourteen year olds," Simon points out. "These are mothers and fathers who buy the tickets for their children to see your shows. And we can handle the story well enough if we take care of it now, leak something to the press." 

"Handle it whatever way you want Simon, we're not One Direction without him," Harry says softly. He stands and Louis does too. Liam and Niall follow suit. "If you terminate his contract, you terminate all of our contracts," and his words are spoken slowly and with a finality that only Harry can produce. 

Liam doesn't look back to see the expression on Simon's face, he finds he doesn't care, one way or the other. 

\--

"I'm going to kill him," Louis declares when they've left the confines of Simon's office. It's late enough in the day that they can gather in the parking lot without being barraged by reporters or other Syco employees. "In fact, let's do that right now, Haz," he tugs at Harry's elbow but Harry doesn't budge. Shock has him rooted to the ground. "Harry?" 

"He actually wants to quit," Harry whispers, voice rough with bewilderment and Niall tugs Harry into him, lets him settle into the crook of his neck. 

"What should we do?" Niall asks over the fluff of Harry's hair and they turn to Liam together. Liam puts his hands up helplessly. 

"How should I know?" 

"We should talk to him," Louis puts forth and the rest of them nod. Harry pulls away. 

"I can go," he offers and then it hits Liam and he swallows. 

"No. I'll go." 

\--

He uses the spare key to let himself in as quietly as he can but Zayn must hear him anyway because he meets him in the foyer. They stare at each other for a moment. Dusk has settled and the room glows only with the light from the kitchen down the hall and the darkness seems only to add to the tension to the room. 

Zayn takes a step forward cautiously. Liam doesn't move. 

"I take it you've come back from meeting with Simon, then?" Zayn asks, voice low. "It's for the best Liam, I promise -" Something in Liam snaps and suddenly he's grabbed Zayn's shoulders, twisting him around to slam him roughly against the door. Zayn hisses. 

"You absolute _shit_ ," Liam growls and Zayn drops his gaze. "You go behind our back to quit on us? You don't even bother to _mention_ it? What? You didn't have the courage to say something to our faces? Has it occurred to you that maybe we deserve more?"

"Liam don't - ," Zayn pleads. 

"You're abandoning us, is what you're doing. Abandoning your _brothers_ ," and the word sounds ugly on his tongue. 

"No -" Zayn tries to defend. "I would never -" Liam slams him back against the door once more and Zayn winces but he doesn't struggle. 

"Do these last two years matter to you at all? Have you learned nothing?" Liam steps closer, crowds into Zayn's space and from here he can count Zayn's eyelashes illuminated by the light from a nearby lamppost. 

Zayn sucks in a breath, gaze falling to Liam's mouth and Liam can't _breathe_ for the heat that ripples between them but he presses still closer, parts Zayn's legs with a knee. 

"Liam," Zayn breathes out and it's a plea, a prayer but it's laced with something else, something that turns Liam inside out.

"We are nothing without you," Liam avows, " _I_ am nothing without you -" And then Zayn is kissing him, with a desperation that pulls a whimper from Liam, and Liam cups his face with rough hands, alters the angle so he can deepen the kiss, part Zayn's lips with his tongue and there is a _want_ that overflows from him, visceral and tangible in the few crevices that their bodies create. Zayn's hips are making small frantic thrusts into Liam and when Liam rolls his own hips Zayn groans, breaks the kiss to drop his forehead to Liam's shoulder, and Liam can feel the _please please please_ that Zayn chants there. 

He moves to suck at Zayn's neck and Zayn arches forward, head falling back against the door with a thud as he exposes himself for Liam, eyelids falling shut against Liam's gaze. Liam takes greedily, rucking up Zayn's shirt and thumbing open his jeans. Zayn's hard on pokes through the top of his boxers and Liam swipes his thumb over the head roughly, causing Zayn to buck forward. 

" _Fuck_ ," he moans, pliant to Liam's touch, and Liam can't tease, not now. He splits Zayn's pants and takes him in hand. Zayn pulls Liam flush against him and kisses him dirtily, all tongue and teeth, and Liam groans into it, knees buckling. Zayn's fumbling with the button to Liam's jeans and Liam curses, bats his hand away to get it himself. He shoves his trousers down to his knees and slides their cocks together, taking them both in hand and fisting them fast. Zayn's shut his eyes tightly and Liam growls his disapproval, rests his forehead against Zayn's. 

"Look at me," he demands, hand stilling. " _C'mon_ Zayn." Zayn's eyes flutter open, glazed over with arousal. Liam begins to move his hand again and Zayn _whines_ , pulls Liam forward by the neck to bite at his lower lip.

Liam dips his head to watch the length of their cocks together between them, moaning when Zayn lays a hand over his, tightening the grip. Liam's hand catches over Zayn's head and Zayn is _gone_. He comes with Liam's name on the tip of his tongue and Liam catches it in a kiss, following him over the edge not an instant later. 

A moment passes, counted in simple inhales and exhales.

"Well, _that_ was not the vision I had for our first time," Liam muses when he finds his voice again. Zayn has gone boneless against him, eyelashes painting shadows on his high cheekbones. 

"Thought about it often, have you?" Zayn teases. 

"I have, actually, yeah," Liam tells him and Zayn's eyes snap open. Liam moves forward to kiss him but Zayn turns away from it and Liam's stomach sinks. Without a word he drops his arms, tucks himself into his pants and pulls up his trousers . "I'm sorry," he offers. "I thought you - " 

He tries to move away, but something shifts in Zayn's eyes and he grips Liam's forearms, melts into him. 

"You thought?" Zayn prompts, looking up at him from under long lashes. 

"I thought you wanted -" Liam breaks off, unable to help but be distracted by the way Zayn's mouth parts slightly. 

"I do, Liam. I told you I do. But - are you sure? I'm -" 

"Perfect?" Liam frowns thoughtfully. "Yeah, I see your point -" 

"Lee-yum," Zayn huffs a surprised laugh, swatting at him. "I'm serious." 

"Me too," Liam breathes. "About this, about you, about what I said before. We're not a band without you, not a good one anyway. We need you. _I_ need you. Stay." 

"I - " 

"We've already told Simon we quit," Liam informs him and Zayn's eyes widen. 

"You didn't -" 

"We did," Liam affirms solemnly. "Harry told Simon where he could stick it and we walked out, Zayn." 

Zayn opens and closes his mouth a few times before breathing out a disbelieving sigh. 

"I don't know what to say," he says finally. 

"Don't say anything. Just. _Stay_." 

Zayn stares at him for a moment before giving him a shaky nod. 

"Alright," he says finally. "Alright." 

Liam barely has time to grin at him before they hear the lock turn and then someone's trying to push open the door. Zayn moves out of the way and Harry, Louis and Niall come stumbling in, Harry fixing his hair like a disgruntled cat. 

"Look," Louis says gleefully. "Liam barely got through the door before he was taking Zayn's clothes off." Zayn turns a shade of red that's visible even in the dull lighting and pulls his trousers up with a muttered curse. 

"Fuck off," he mutters, but he's burying a smile in Liam's chest and Liam makes a pleased noise and wraps an arm around him, the tips of his ears burning. 

"M'guessing from your come-stained shirt that Liam chose a very _satisfying_ way to convince you to stay?" Louis continues non-plussed, and Liam makes a choked noise and Harry and Niall burst out laughing. Liam chances a glance at Zayn and finds Zayn's staring right back at him, a small smile gracing his lips, so Liam kisses him softly. 

Zayn pulls away reluctantly, "Yeah," he says slowly, eyes never leaving Liam's, "Yeah, I'd say he did."

\--

It's Niall who finally ushers the rest of them out. Liam's not sure whether it's because he can sense Liam's urgency, or because Zayn has close to nothing left in his pantry but Liam is grateful either way. When Louis glances at the pair of them on his way out, eyebrow raised expectantly, Zayn looks to Liam. 

"I think I'm going to stay in," he says slowly and Liam nods. 

"Yeah. I'll keep you company."

Louis smirks. 

"Alright then kiddies. Play safe," he says, shutting the door behind him. Next to him, Zayn breathes out a sigh. 

"We could - whip up something?" Liam suggests. "I know you like my macaroni and cheese." 

Zayn smiles. 

"That'd be good, yeah." 

It's hard to move around in the kitchen with Zayn pressing in close from behind, hands never leaving his waist, but Liam finds he doesn't mind, just leans into the touch and takes his time. Zayn hums a soft tune in Liam's ear while Liam measures out the pasta and falls asleep against Liam's chest while they wait for the water to boil and Liam busies himself counting Zayn's eyelashes, tries to keep his heart from beating out through his ribs.

When it's ready they sit together at the dining table, eating directly out of the pot with an oversized spoon and their knees knocked together, trading cheesy kisses between bites. 

It's late by the time they finish and they both seem reluctant to leave the table, call it a night, so they jump from topic to topic, and Liam watches as the weight lifts from Zayn's shoulders steadily and he wonders if he ever understood what happiness was before this.

Finally though, Zayn heaves a sigh, catching his breath from the laughter and stands, stretching. He takes the dishes to the sink to do the wash and Liam comes up behind him, trying not to pout. He's not sure he's allowed anything more so he settles for tucking his chin against Zayn's shoulder and snaking his hands along Zayn's front. 

He feels rather than hears Zayn begin to mumble something. 

"Hmm?" Liam hums. 

"You can stay, if you want," Zayn tells him a little louder, voice hesitant. 

"I - really?" Liam asks. "Are you sure?" Zayn turns in Liam's arms, wet hands running along Liam's skin where he can find it. 

"Yeah, I want you to. Want this, Li, always have." he blushes slightly. 

Liam swallows.

"Yeah, alright." 

They end up across from each other on Zayn's bed, crossed legs overlapping slightly. Zayn bites his lip, offers Liam a shy smile that crinkles his eyes and has Liam's heart swelling. And suddenly Liam just has to ask, he _has_ to, can't afford to fuck this up. 

"Are we -? Can we - be an us?" he asks Zayn tentatively. Zayn smiles wider. 

"I'd like that, yeah," Zayn responds. He pauses, then - "As long as you don't want to - go public or anything right?" he rolls his eyes at the silliness of it, as if he still doesn't understand the fame and the implications and burdens it carries. 

"We don't have to," Liam says quickly, but his heart sinks slightly in disappointment. The world should know Zayn is _his_. 

"I don't want you to get caught up in my mess," Zayn tells him stubbornly and Liam tries to protest but Zayn continues, "I want to tell the important people," Zayn assures him, taking both his hands and interlacing their fingers, and Liam doesn't want to fight about this, not now, so he lets it go. "I want the boys to know, and my mum -" Liam chuckles at that.

"What a shock she's in for," he teases but Zayn shakes his head and he's blushing full on now. Liam thumbs at the flush of Zayn's cheek gently and Zayn leans into the touch. 

"She knows how I feel," he mumbles quietly. Liam's eyes widen in surprise. 

"Your _mum_ knows how you feel about me?" Liam asks incredulously. Zayn shrugs. 

"Yeah. I guess Doniya let it slip to her or something. At least that's what she claims," he rolls his eyes with affection and Liam opens and closes his mouth. 

"D-Doniya knows?" he stammers. Zayn nods once in affirmation. 

"S'probably one of the few things her and Perrie have in common to talk about," he explains. "I have been teased for your sake, you have no idea." He smiles warmly, strokes along Liam's knuckles. 

"So Perrie knows then? That explains a lot," Liam mutters, bitterness seeping through, despite how silly Liam _knows_ he's being. "Are you sure she won't want to break things off with you after she hears?" 

He tries to keep the question neutral and unfeeling but there must be something in his expression because Zayn opens his mouth to speak, and then closes it, studies Liam closely, a frown creasing his eyebrows. 

"You're jealous," he says in wonderment when he discovers it and Liam feels himself blush down his neck and he shrugs, aiming for nonchalance. From the look on Zayn's face, he's not buying it. "Liam, you're," he shakes his head fondly, "She's just a _mate_ , you know it's a PR thing. I love her to death, but not like that. Not even close." 

Liam shrugs again. 

"C'mon, Li, what is it?" Zayn ask softly, running his hands down Liam's arms to cup his elbows. Liam looks away from Zayn's probing eyes, but Zayn won't let up so he sighs, faces him once more. 

"She's seen you naked," he mumbles. Zayn barks a surprised laugh. 

"Yeah, once or twice I guess but. So have you and so have the rest of the boys," he protests. Liam stares at him, wonders if he's playing innocent on purpose.

"S'not the same! She's seen you - I dunno. Naked and in bed and just kissed and -" Liam loses his train of thought as Zayn leans forward, hand sliding behind Liam's neck to draw him in. 

"Is that what you want?" he murmurs against Liam's lips, "Hmm? Because, don't worry babe, that can be arranged."

Liam can only nod, eyes already watching Zayn's tongue dart out to lick his lips. 

Slowly, Zayn leans back to lie down, and they separate briefly so Zayn can tug off his tee. Liam's eyes rake over Zayn's body greedily, taking in what could be his if he doesn't fuck this up. Zayn's chuckling quietly, pliant and easy against the pillows. 

"C'mere," he whispers, tugging Liam down to join their lips together. Just the feather-light contact has Liam's blood racing and he deepens the kiss, settling between Zayn's legs and aligning their bodies. Zayn arches into him so Liam touches, runs his hands down Zayn's chest and traces the tattoos by his collar bone. 

"I haven't -" he pulls away, rests his head against one hand above Zayn. "I mean. With a guy." 

A shadow crosses Zayn's face and he moves out from under Liam to sit up.

"Fuck, I have to tell you something," Zayn confesses. Liam sits up, too, pulls him close.

"Ok," he tries to be reassuring. He braces himself. "Tell me." 

"I. I _have_ done this with a guy," he says finally and Liam smiles, relieved.

"That's all? S'okay, Zayn I get that you have a history. It wouldn't be fair of me to -" 

"It was Harry, Li," Zayn interrupts, turning to him. Liam pulls away. 

"What." 

"I'm sorry I -" Zayn pleads, "He was so miserable about Louis and Eleanor. And - and so was I. About you and Danielle so. It just. We were lonely, and _there_ and. It just happened a few times. It hurt more than it helped honestly. And we never - I mean. We talked about wishing we could be in love with each other but -. It was never like that with Harry. Not like it is for you." 

Zayn's looking at Liam so hopefully and Liam takes a deep breath, lets it out slow. 

"How come you never said anything?" he asks quietly and Zayn gives a humorless laugh. 

" And say what exactly? Harry and I are fucking because I'm in love with you but you're in love with someone else? C'mon Li." He reaches out for Liam but Liam avoids the touch.

"You guys fucked?" Zayn's eyes narrow. 

"You and Danielle fucked," he counters. 

"That's -. This is entirely different. Harry is our _friend_ and he was hurting -" 

"Don't you dare suggest I took advantage," Zayn bites out, moving quickly out of bed and away from Liam. "Harry's a big boy, he knows what he wants and -" 

The sudden removal of contact stuns Liam back to his senses though and he already holding up his hands in defeat, getting up slowly to move closer to Zayn. 

"I'm sorry. I have no right to be angry with you and I'm not, I swear it. I'm just -" he smiles meekly. "I'm just jealous. I'm sorry." 

Zayn deflates too, moves into Liam's grasp. 

"I know it was wrong. It _felt_ wrong. Painful, even. For both of us. But I. I didn't want to be alone, you know? And you were so in love with her," he finishes helplessly. Liam kisses his forehead gently, trying to take away the hurt, shocked by the idea of being loved by Zayn for so long. _They could have done this ages ago_ , he thinks forlornly. 

Out loud, Liam speaks gently, "We don't have to talk about it," he tells Zayn but Zayn shakes his head. 

"No, we do," Zayn tells him, shifts to look Liam in the eye."You have to know what you're getting into, and you have to be sure it's what you want. Because otherwise -" he blushes. "Well, either way you're going to be the death of me." 

Liam laughs, draws Zayn closer. 

"I'll drown you in love then," he declares, and the line is overplayed and Liam wrinkles his nose at the cheese of it but Zayn huffs a laugh and relaxes into him a bit so he counts it as a win. He kisses Zayn on the mouth. "I know you're worried about the press you're getting and what it'll mean for this band. But - I told you. I want this and you and everything that comes with that. Alright? I'm in it, I promise you." 

Zayn nods, covers Liam's hand where it rests on his cheek. 

"Yeah, alright," he breathes, eyes bright.

\--

It's easy to tell the boys because they already know. Their three best mates grin and cheer but Liam only has eyes for Harry, and when Harry notices, Liam nods towards the door to the patio of his flat. Harry follows him out. 

"You're sure you're alright with this?" he asks Harry when they're alone. Harry's quick on the uptake. 

"Zayn told you about us then?" he asks. Liam nods. 

"I've taken too much from you already, Harry. I don't want -" but Harry's shaking his head already. 

"Zayn was never mine for you to take, Liam. He always belonged to you. Just - _try_ not to fuck this up?" his words are serious but his eyes are light and loving and Liam tugs at one of his curls before embracing him tightly. 

"I love you," he says into the tufts of Harry's hair. 

"I know, Li," Harry assures him. "I know."

\--

When they tell Perrie she hugs them both tightly and after phoning her management briefly they come up with an arrangement that suits all three of them. They'll maintain the charade for a bit longer, so it doesn't seem like Perrie's been scared off by the threats ("It's a point of _pride_ , Zee. Trust me, I want this.") and then they'll figure out a way to release the break up to the fans. 

Perrie takes one look at Liam and smiles sweetly, promises that they won't go on any real dates, just rumors and stories that the boys tell, and a thoroughly embarrassed Liam tries to convince her that he doesn't care, but she just laughs a lilting laugh. 

"He's all yours, sweetie," she tells him, "Honestly it's a relief. I find him quite tiresome." Zayn laughs out loud, cuffs her on the head and darts in to kiss Liam lightly and Liam can't help but feel pleased to take him off her hands. 

\--

They decide Simon Cowell isn't _important enough_ to tell just yet, but they hold hands under the table when the five of them meet to tell him Zayn's back, for good. Zayn squeezes Liam's hand tightly when Simon sighs in relief, tells them how happy he is, and Liam squeezes back. _We're all unbelievably happy._

\--

They skype Zayn's mum in Bradford together and when the video turns on she practically squeals in delight. 

"Liam, darling, how good to see you! I told Zayn, I knew you couldn't stay cross with each other for long," she's beaming up at them and Liam's heart melts. 

"Hi Mrs. Malik," he greets her shyly. Zayn squeezes his knee under the table. 

"Mum," Zayn says, and Liam swears he's never seen Zayn blush as often as he has these past few days, "We ah - we wanted to tell you something." 

Tricia's eyes widen in surprise and then soften in understanding and she nods. 

"Oh _Zayn_ ," she breathes. "I'm so happy for both of you. You'll take good care of him, right Liam?" 

" _Mum,_ " Zayn ducks his head embarrassedly and Liam chuckles. 

"Yes ma'am," he promises. 

"And next time he talks about doing something utterly _foolish_ you talk sense into him, you hear? You tell him his family's not as fragile as he thinks it is, and that his sisters and his mum are strong people, alright? Who love him very much," she finishes softly. Zayn looks up at her through the camera and his eyes are shining with tears so Liam puts an arm around his shoulder and kisses the side of head. 

"Yes ma'am, I promise." 

\--

The next time they run into that sort of shit, it's one small poster in the back of a gigantic signing but it still takes all of Liam's will not to pull Zayn to him, kiss the hurt and pain away. 

He manages to hold off until they're back in their hotel room, and then he doesn't hold back in the slightest. 

He knows exactly what Zayn looks like by now, blissed out and boneless in almost every angle. 

He doesn't think it'll ever stop causing up a storm in his blood.


End file.
